Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Two Hearts

When I think of one person who's left me I think of everyone who's left me. And I think out every scenario in my head of things I could have done to make them stay. This drives me insane.

Overthinking is my specialty. I try and act like I don't have a heart. When it comes to letting people in I don't really know how. For a while I lived like I was so scared to get hurt I didn't care.

I was talking to my best friend about all these feelings of doubt I've gotten lately and she reminded me of a few things. I like to see the best in people. I give people more chances than I probably should. And I basically never stop caring about a person. I don't give up on anyone and it ends up killing me.

Hearing her explain all of this reminded me of something someone I friends with once said about me. I said I had no heart. he responded with Yes you do, you have two hearts, just like the doctor. He was referring to Doctor  Who. He later explained that was the only logical answer because I had the biggest heart which could only be explained by two hearts.

But having two hearts is exhausting me. It means to be that I fall hard and crash harder. Me seeing the best in everyone and never giving up has left me with nothing but pain. I'm the one that care more. But in the end I always need them more than they need me. I'm the girl that everyone replaces after a while.

Everyone just takes and takes from me. I'm always there but at the end of the day I'm left with nothing and no one.

Overthinking and having two hearts is the worst combination possible I swear. My brain never stops going and it's killing me. I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me. With all of these people leaving me it has to be me.

These thoughts haunt me most at night. He haunts me the most then. And all of this feels like a wave that rushes over me. But this wave comes with a storm of more waves that I feel like are drowning me.

























Tuesday, June 30, 2015

You

You crept your way into my mind again and I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Recently something big happened and all I could think about was talking to you about it. It didn't matter who, in my life, I talked to. Being comforted you was all I wanted. I miss you in the most simplest of terms. I miss hearing you laugh.

I could talk to you about anything and I felt better. I have this tendency to have these unimaginably high walls and act like I don't have a heart. But you saw through all of that. With you it was never a struggle with anything really. In your arms I felt at home. You made me feel things I didn't think were possible for me. You gave me hope.

We were never in love but oh God we could have been. I could feel myself falling already. And that shook me to my core. What I felt for you could only be described as magic. But you also reminded me that magic is nothing more than an illusion.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Life

The past 3 and a half weeks have been really hard. Its been hard to find the motivation to get out of bed in the mornings. Lately its just been one thing after.another. But really the sadness just like the happiness is a fleeting emotion. Emotions are constantly changing and pain and sadness comes with life. People let you down and you can't depend on a person for your happiness. Life gets better then it sucks then it gets better and then it sucks again. You just have to remind yourself of the people and things in your life that matter. When your around people you love you can't help but be happy. You can't always help things that happen to you but you can chose how to react. Don't dwell on the negative things you can't change. Just live your life and be happy

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Fear

Honestly just in the last week I had discovered the hold that fear can have on me. When people say they are scarred of something such as heights, its not the height that they are really scarred of, it the chance that they will fall. No one if afraid of the actual thing, they are afraid of the effect of the chance things will go wrong. Why are people so bound by their own fear? Especially for me I fear rejection. I think everyone does but never really says it out loud. For me it's just easier to be alone and keep a safe distance. It's a lot easier than putting myself out there. I have walls and these walls have kept me from getting hurt but it has also kept me from being happy. But in this last week I have also realized that there are risk worth taking and people worth letting the walls down for. When it comes to people they are going to let you down but it's about how they treat you and at the end of the day you let people down too. Happiness is an effort and you need to be willing to work for it

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Him

It took me a while to open up and talk to you. We use to be so close and then we stopped talking. When you try to talk to me now it's nothing like it use to be. I miss you and the way we use to be.
The hardest thing is the fact I fell for you so hard.
You had me wishing we were something but left me here with a whole lot of nothing.
I don't know what to do you. I feel like you put me on a self and pick me up when you want me.
I'm not sure what to think. What sucks is you still mean so much to me but what sucks worse is you don't even know how much you're killing me inside.
I just want to go back to the way things use to be

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Relationships

My two best friends currently have boyfriend and I'm so super happy for them. They are both amazing people and deserve to be happy. They really do. I can't help but feel a bit lonely sometimes. After I feel lonely I think about past relationships and how they have failed and why, which is never a good thing to think about. And then I think is it me? Am I just not good enough?
But really is not me at all. I am good enough I just haven't found him yet. When I don't feel good enough it's always the thought of boys and relationships that keeps me down when really I don't need a boyfriend to define if I'm good enough or not.  
Since the months I have been minus one I've learned a lot about relationships, my expectation, and even myself. I know it sounds clique but how can I give myself to someone and love them if I can't even love myself?
So when the time comes I'll fall in love, not because I'm lonely, but because it's right.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Suicide

Early this summer my world was flipped upside down when I got the call that my friend Mason took his own life. After getting that call my life hasn't been the same. I miss my Maceycakes everyday. Suicide does not eliminate of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better. Suicide should never be an option. You are loved, You are wanted, You are cared about, You are special, You are completely irreplaceable, You are forgiven, but most of all You are alone. 

Mason has forever changed my life. Since his passing I haven't pick up a single blade and I am completely selfharm free. He has effect many people and his story I hope will encourage people not to ever give up. 

When you take your own life you end the pain for yourself and leave a domino effect on everyone who has ever cared about you and loved you 

This is the number for the suicide hotline:
 1-800-273-8255 

Please remember you are never alone 

R.I.P. Mason 
R.I.P. Collin