Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Overthinking is my specialty. I try and act like I don't have a heart. When it comes to letting people in I don't really know how. For a while I lived like I was so scared to get hurt I didn't care.
I was talking to my best friend about all these feelings of doubt I've gotten lately and she reminded me of a few things. I like to see the best in people. I give people more chances than I probably should. And I basically never stop caring about a person. I don't give up on anyone and it ends up killing me.
Hearing her explain all of this reminded me of something someone I friends with once said about me. I said I had no heart. he responded with Yes you do, you have two hearts, just like the doctor. He was referring to Doctor Who. He later explained that was the only logical answer because I had the biggest heart which could only be explained by two hearts.
But having two hearts is exhausting me. It means to be that I fall hard and crash harder. Me seeing the best in everyone and never giving up has left me with nothing but pain. I'm the one that care more. But in the end I always need them more than they need me. I'm the girl that everyone replaces after a while.
Everyone just takes and takes from me. I'm always there but at the end of the day I'm left with nothing and no one.
Overthinking and having two hearts is the worst combination possible I swear. My brain never stops going and it's killing me. I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me. With all of these people leaving me it has to be me.
These thoughts haunt me most at night. He haunts me the most then. And all of this feels like a wave that rushes over me. But this wave comes with a storm of more waves that I feel like are drowning me.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
I could talk to you about anything and I felt better. I have this tendency to have these unimaginably high walls and act like I don't have a heart. But you saw through all of that. With you it was never a struggle with anything really. In your arms I felt at home. You made me feel things I didn't think were possible for me. You gave me hope.
We were never in love but oh God we could have been. I could feel myself falling already. And that shook me to my core. What I felt for you could only be described as magic. But you also reminded me that magic is nothing more than an illusion.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
The past 3 and a half weeks have been really hard. Its been hard to find the motivation to get out of bed in the mornings. Lately its just been one thing after.another. But really the sadness just like the happiness is a fleeting emotion. Emotions are constantly changing and pain and sadness comes with life. People let you down and you can't depend on a person for your happiness. Life gets better then it sucks then it gets better and then it sucks again. You just have to remind yourself of the people and things in your life that matter. When your around people you love you can't help but be happy. You can't always help things that happen to you but you can chose how to react. Don't dwell on the negative things you can't change. Just live your life and be happy
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
The hardest thing is the fact I fell for you so hard.
You had me wishing we were something but left me here with a whole lot of nothing.
I don't know what to do you. I feel like you put me on a self and pick me up when you want me.
I'm not sure what to think. What sucks is you still mean so much to me but what sucks worse is you don't even know how much you're killing me inside.
I just want to go back to the way things use to be
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
But really is not me at all. I am good enough I just haven't found him yet. When I don't feel good enough it's always the thought of boys and relationships that keeps me down when really I don't need a boyfriend to define if I'm good enough or not.
Since the months I have been minus one I've learned a lot about relationships, my expectation, and even myself. I know it sounds clique but how can I give myself to someone and love them if I can't even love myself?
So when the time comes I'll fall in love, not because I'm lonely, but because it's right.