Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Two Hearts

When I think of one person who's left me I think of everyone who's left me. And I think out every scenario in my head of things I could have done to make them stay. This drives me insane.

Overthinking is my specialty. I try and act like I don't have a heart. When it comes to letting people in I don't really know how. For a while I lived like I was so scared to get hurt I didn't care.

I was talking to my best friend about all these feelings of doubt I've gotten lately and she reminded me of a few things. I like to see the best in people. I give people more chances than I probably should. And I basically never stop caring about a person. I don't give up on anyone and it ends up killing me.

Hearing her explain all of this reminded me of something someone I friends with once said about me. I said I had no heart. he responded with Yes you do, you have two hearts, just like the doctor. He was referring to Doctor  Who. He later explained that was the only logical answer because I had the biggest heart which could only be explained by two hearts.

But having two hearts is exhausting me. It means to be that I fall hard and crash harder. Me seeing the best in everyone and never giving up has left me with nothing but pain. I'm the one that care more. But in the end I always need them more than they need me. I'm the girl that everyone replaces after a while.

Everyone just takes and takes from me. I'm always there but at the end of the day I'm left with nothing and no one.

Overthinking and having two hearts is the worst combination possible I swear. My brain never stops going and it's killing me. I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me. With all of these people leaving me it has to be me.

These thoughts haunt me most at night. He haunts me the most then. And all of this feels like a wave that rushes over me. But this wave comes with a storm of more waves that I feel like are drowning me.

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